senior monk at the Zen monastery where I trained once said that he recited something to himself before each group he facilitated. So I asked him what that was. Here is what he shared with me:

“May all who wish for freedom find it. Wherever illusion is a guardian and a barricade, let it remain.”

I adopted his recitation and here is what it came to mean for me: I will do my best to help people end suffering and become free. However, if they decide to embrace the ego, resistance, and self-hatred, I will let them go.

They’re not ready.

Out in the world, as I coach, I hear excuses made by the ego all the time.

“I’m too busy. I don’t have enough money; I can’t do this; I don’t have enough time; I don’t feel like it; it’s too hard; I’ll do it later…”

I had a conversation with a fellow spiritual teacher about this phenomenon. We both agreed that we could only guide people but, like the proverbial camel, we couldn’t make them drink. We can point, but it would be up to them to walk in the direction we’re pointing.

We must let go of our attachment to the outcome regardless of how painful it is to sit and watch someone continually and repeatedly choose resistance. We can’t force them to accept their hearts.

I know that if we were to spend time together, everything would turn around for them. I’ve seen it happen with my clients who have made the leap and have hired me to help them.

What I’ve also seen is those who say “no” to support choose the same resistance that causes them to flounder about in life. It saddens my heart because really good people are stuck underneath all these bad decisions and lose. Ego wins the day.

I have an online retreat that I’ve been offering for over four years now. It’s the same situation there. Those who invest, do the classes and show up — transform their lives. Every time.

Grads tell me they feel unstoppable, excited, and full of life.

I ran into one in the neighborhood while we were both walking our dogs. She told me that she was trying to convince an acquaintance of hers to sign up to do the retreat. It made me laugh, and then made her laugh because we both saw how resistance was working to keep her from doing what would help her. “Isn’t it frustrating? You can totally see how it would change her entire life if she did it, right? But she won’t.”

Yup, lots of head nodding. An inside “joke” among those of us who have worked to free ourselves from the voices. We know what those voices will do to stop us from succeeding.

The conclusion I have drawn is this: Let them go. They’ll be ready when they’re ready.

Like no wine before its time. They either need that intelligent “aha” moment when the choice is obvious, or they need to suffer a bit more before they do what will help them. Either way, saving others isn’t our responsibility.

It’s theirs.