“…And you came knockin’ on my heart’s door
You’re everything I’ve been lookin’ for…”
—Johnny Lee
 

ttention and approval are what people crave the most.

Consider for a moment everything you do in your day-to-day life. Why are you doing any of it? If you say your priority is getting certain things like more money, go a little deeper. Ask yourself, “What will I have when I get that?”

Pay attention to how children are socialized. Why do they end up doing what they do? What possible motives could they have for their actions?

Some children do everything they can to please and impress others for approval: They’ll get good grades in school, become the best on the sports field, or garner popularity with their peers. Others who know that the “being good” role has already been taken, may choose an opposite tactic. They’ll decide to get attention by displeasing others: They’ll do drugs, get lousy grades, attract the wrong crowd, or smash up cars.

I coached a mother whose son had turned to using and making drugs. He continued to do this because a group of his friends appreciated his creativity and valued what he did. He got the attention and the approval he sought from them instead of his family.

The sad part is most of us are still in this child-like relationship with others. We’re all seeking and demanding approval from outside of us and believing in its lack. This relationship is extremely conditional, not particularly helpful, and gets us into all sorts of trouble.

“Looking for love in all the wrong places.” Isn’t that how the song goes? Maybe it’s out there in that person, or in that job, or in that experience.

The myth is – happiness, love, attention, and approval are all out there somewhere. We just need to find them.

It took me some sitting with myself in meditation and a practice I learned at the Zen monastery to discover that my Hero’s Journey was in search of what was already inside of me, under my nose. I found that I already was everything I’d been looking for, the attention and the approval I sought was my own, and only I knew how to walk through my heart’s door.