A Shift to Love

The person and the behavior


 

I

magine a dot on a whiteboard.

That’s who you are. The dot represents authenticity. Everyone, deep down, wants the same thing. To be okay, to do the best they can, to be accepted, to get attention, to survive and to make some contribution.

I seriously doubt many people wake up in the morning and say to themselves “I wonder how I can royally screw something up today,” or “I wonder how I can have as many people as possible hate me.”

Yet it’s surprising how most of us treat others, and ourselves, from the assumption that these are our motives. That they, and we, are intrinsically bad.

Now, imagine a circle drawn around this dot. This circle represents our conditioned behaviors. These behaviors run the gamut of what human beings are capable of expressing. From the most atrocious acts of cruelty to the most inspiring acts of kindness. They encompass the varying degrees of everything we like and dislike about others and ourselves.

What I have learned is that we confuse people’s conditioned behaviors with who they are. We say “I hate criminals,” or “I can’t stand my husband,” or “My kids drive me crazy.”

I would argue that more accurate statements are “I hate the crimes that people commit,” and “I can’t stand it when my husband leaves his socks in the sink,” and “It annoys me when my children ask me questions all day long.”

If we could step back, remove ourselves from the stance of “the other as the enemy,” and see their behaviors as the issue, then we have an opportunity to do something about addressing those behaviors directly.

At the end of the day, when you look into another person’s eyes, you see their humanity. Something we all share in common. Our struggles and our victories. Our joys and our sorrows. And while certain behaviors are unacceptable, you, as a being are 100% acceptable.

When we can tease out “the behavior” from “the person,” now we can do something. The person is not at fault or attacked. The person is okay.

What they’re doing is not okay. But we can address those actions.

The point is never to confuse the two:

The person.

And his or her conditioned behaviors.
 

In lovingkindness,


If you enjoyed this article, you can find a version of it in my book, Living the Zen Life: Practicing Conscious, Compassionate Awareness (Volume One).

If you enjoyed this article, you can find a version of it in my book, Living the Zen Life: Practicing Conscious, Compassionate Awareness (Volume Two).

If you enjoyed this article, you can find a version of it in my book, Living the Zen Life: Practicing Conscious, Compassionate Awareness (Volume Three).

If you enjoyed this article, you can find a version of it in my book, A Shift to Love: Zen Stories and Lessons by Alex Mill.

If you enjoyed this article, you can find a version of it in my book, Meditation and Reinventing Yourself.

If you enjoyed this article, you can find a version of it in my book, The Zen Life: Spiritual Training for Modern Times.

 


  Alex Mill trained in a Zen Buddhist monastery for nearly 14 years. He now offers his extensive experience to transform people’s lives and businesses through timeless Zen principles.

He is the creator of three powerful 30-day programs, Heart-to-Heart: Compassionate Self-Mentoring, Help Yourself to Change, and Your Practice, as well as the online Zen meditation workshop, Taming Your Inner Noise (now offered as The FREE Zen Workshop).

Alex has also written seven books on Zen awareness practice. The latest are entitled A Shift to Love: Zen Stories and Lessons (Get it for FREE here) and the 3-book series Living the Zen Life: Practicing Conscious, Compassionate Awareness.

He is a full-time Zen Life Coach who offers guidance and life-changing support to his private clients worldwide. Book a call.