he way I am in a relationship with another is one side of the roof, and the way the other is being in a relationship with me is the mirror side of our roof. Together, we meet at the apex and we “hold each other up.” The roof is our relationship. It’s a structure that’s being held in place by how each of us is being.

I tell my clients that when you stop holding up the roof the way you’ve been doing it, the roof will do one of two things: Either it will collapse or what needs to hold it in place will shift. That is, we won’t be together anymore, or the new way I am being will call forth a complementary way of being from the other person.

For example, if I continue to play the victim and you play the rescuer, I will continuously call forth from you the rescuer. Together, that’s our roof. Nothing will change until there’s no need to play our victim/rescuer roles. Either of us can shift. Either I take charge of my life and have no need for rescuing or my rescuing partner stops coming in to save me, leaving me to find my adequacy.

It’s uncomfortable to shift because that’s how we find each other in our relationships to begin with. It can sometimes be hard to change because your partner won’t be interested in the dynamic between you changing. They risk losing their entire identity. They can be just fine with the situation, especially when changing it would be a significant inconvenience to them!

I had a client once who would always remind her husband of all the important things he needed to remember to do. She decided to stop doing that because it was energetically taxing her. So when he needed to remember to drive out to an event he was to attend, it was for him to remember. She recalled how much energy it freed up from her and how it empowered her husband to be more responsible with his own life. Sure it was uncomfortable for both of them. She felt bad for “not being a good wife and pleasing him with such minor thing to do for him,” and he felt angry that “he had one more thing on his plate to track and had to keep a schedule with alarms to remind himself of his appointments.” The voices between them would try to pull them back to the way it was by pointing out how “they used to be such a good team.”

Failing to notice they were a rather dysfunctional team! She was overwhelmed and enabling while he was enabled and dependant.

It takes some growing up to want to shift the roof so that we are each supporting each other up to be the best we can. To see the other person’s adequacy and call forth from them their powerful self.

This centered version in exchange for the egotistical, expectational roof of, “I’ll prop you up if you prop me up.”