“Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it.”
—Ernest Holmes
 

ther people are a golden opportunity to see ourselves more clearly.

Where we all miss, is we play the game of seeing others as different from ourselves and trying to change them. We want them to mirror our best selves, and stop mirroring what we cannot stand or repress about ourselves.

“Mirror” is the keyword. We have a problem with others because the filter in our heads is constantly evaluating them based on our own beliefs and assumptions. What we don’t realize is that we’re projecting our own voices, standards, meanings, and evaluations onto them.

Here’s a little exercise to see how projection works:

Find someone you admire. Now, come up with three adjectives to describe this person.

Next, find someone you dislike. Now, come up with three adjectives to describe that person.

Now look over your adjectives. What did you come up with? Spend some time with them and inquire deeply. If you do, you will learn a great deal about yourself because every one of those adjectives is YOU. If you can see that, the spiritual game now becomes not how others are different from you, but rather how they are exactly like you.

Some people will complain, “But I’m NOT like that. I would never allow myself to be like that.” That’s a very big clue, right? Somehow you’re being held back from being a certain way because the voices would punish you if you ever fell out of character with how you ought to be. The truth is, you sometimes sneak that way of being in permissible situations. Or in ways the voices justify as being okay.

I once coached a woman who worked at a company for many years and was never promoted. She was triggered because another newer employee suddenly asked for a promotion and received it. The adjectives she used to describe the employee were “pushy, arrogant, and domineering.” When we explored these, she could see that she would never do what this woman did because of the inner judgment she’d get if she tried. The voices would call her pushy, arrogant, domineering, and worse!

I then asked her if she thought that employee would call herself those adjectives. She smiled. Obviously, she wouldn’t. So I asked her if she wouldn’t use those adjectives, which ones would she use to describe herself?

So she started to inquire. Instead of “pushy,” she saw that this woman was unafraid of asking for what she wanted. So perhaps “assertive.” Good! How about arrogant? Again, the word “confident” seemed more accurate. “Domineering?” She laughed and said, “Um…good leader.” More laughter.

Enlightenment!

Then, we did the only thing worthwhile at this point. We committed to work on helping her become assertive, confident, and a good leader.

In a magic shift, her projections became the vehicle for shaping the coaching work we would do together. We helped her build her skills so she could get more of what she wanted and end the pattern of being held back. She saw how the voices put a negative spin of being powerful, and this would just not do if she were going to become successful.

There’s a lot of talk about how you should use “negative” things that happen to you as opportunities for growth, but there’s not much mention about HOW to do that. Projection is a wonderful tool to keep in your back pocket as a way to learn more about yourself. When you use it in a non-judgmental way, it can facilitate real change for you from the inside-out.