elf-forgiveness is popular in the spiritual world. I want to show you why it’s not only pointless but also harmful.

Forgiveness by its very nature implies that there’s a “correct, better, good” way something could have gone and a “wrong, worse, bad” way it could have gone. And that someone, someone superior to another inferior someone, knows which way is which. And when that inferior person messes up, he or she needs to apologize to receive forgiveness from that said superior person.

Inside of you, who is that? Who, or what, do you suppose would get itself entangled in the whole fault, blame, right/wrong, feeling lousy drama?

If we look below the surface, we’ll see that you are not always acting upon your own better judgment or volition. Often you’ll be set up by the voices in your head to do something unfortunate or unskillful. They’ll talk you into eating the chocolate cake during your diet, skipping out on yoga to sleep in, or yell at your poor husband instead of breathing and talking to him like an adult. And yes, the cake, sleep, and tantrum may feel good at the moment, but they’ll come with a beating later. “Look at you! You have no willpower! What a loser you are!” And then the cycle will repeat.

If you look at this cycle, you’ll see that you’re the hapless pawn in the middle. Of course, the voices would love to blame you for your involvement. “You knew better! Look at you! You should be ashamed! ”

But you just did what you were told to do (by the voices) and then got walloped for doing it (by the voices). The voices set you up and then knocked you down. A complete one-two punch.

So you see, you’re not the one doing this to yourself. Why would you?

Therefore, why would you need to forgive yourself for your actions?

A better practice than self-forgiveness is to learn how you get duped by the voices in your head.

Discover what they say to you that trick you into believing them. Capture the voices’ language. See how you can help yourself. Resolve to make this challenge your spiritual practice. Move away from finger-pointing and into action taking. Do what can make a difference.

So when the voices try to talk you into your coping behavior, how can you help yourself compassionately? What can you do before, during and afterward? How can you set your life up to be successful?

And just as you don’t need any forgiveness, you don’t need any apology either.

Don’t apologize. In fact, the best “apology” is to vow never to let it happen again. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll see that we apologize to “feel better,” not because we ever intend to do better.

We apologize to “get off the hook” so we can continue to do the same behavior again in the future. So we can apologize again. And again. And yet again. Have you noticed?

So step in to break the voices’ involvement in your feeling bad drama. Cut to the chase. Deal with them instead of focusing on what doesn’t help.

Free yourself from the blame self-forgiveness brings and commit to changing once and for all. With mindfulness and compassionate self-mentoring.