“While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.”
—Leonardo da Vinci
 

ne of the most honest responses I’ve ever heard to the question, “What do you believe happens after death?” came from a spiritual teacher who simply replied, “I don’t know. I have not died. I have no experience of death so how could I explain to you what happens after death?”

The truth in that answer struck me. Consider: Who is going to supply you with the information you’re looking for? Who is going to know the answers for certain? Who had the experience and (pun intended) “lived to tell about it?”

I’m convinced that every belief we have created around death is to help us feel better about the mystery of it – a mystery that can either leave us with angst or terrify us. So we sock something away into our minds to make sense of our own existence as a way to console us. But a story is still a story.

So how do we practice with death then? A loved one passes away, a pet we care about dies, and we’re all going to die too. What can we do about all the thoughts, memories, and feelings we have around this?

Before we tackle “what should you do?” please keep in mind that we typically jump into how to practice with life challenges when something big and difficult comes along – when we’re faced with a life challenge. We’re diagnosed with a terminal illness, someone we love dies, or we’ve hit rock bottom and all of a sudden, we need to figure out how to cope. As difficult as this may sound, beginning to practice during these times is the worst time to do it. Why? Because if you haven’t been practicing all along, how do you expect to have the foundation you need to deal with this challenge? Picture it: You’re out at sea, you’ve capsized, and you’re going under – so NOW you’d like to learn how to swim? My best encouragement to you in this situation is to survive! Just make it through the best you can. Yes, it will be messy, yes it will be tough, yes it will be rugged – but do the best you can.

Zen has been called a practice to prepare us for death. We’re cleaning up behind ourselves, and we’re creating a situation in which we’re not clinging to or pushing anything away. So we can release fully, and we can also be fully present with the process.

My recommendation as you practice is to release all “shoulds” you’ve been given about how it ought to be. Everything will arise, and your job is simply to observe it all. We’ve inherited a cultural narrative about what death means, how we should feel about it, and how we should process it. It’s not kind or helpful to ourselves to be held to new standards just because we heard there’s another way to be with it. That’s just turning practice over to the voices to beat us up for how we’re doing, which is not the practice.

As with any situation in life, death or otherwise, I would ask you to consider this question, “Are the choices you’re making right now leading you toward or away from suffering?” If you can honestly see how you’re choosing suffering or freedom in any given moment, it will help you compassionately self-mentor yourself with the love and assistance you need. And that’s a powerful tool to have in any situation.