“Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.”
—Pema Chodron

’m pretty sure Alan Watts coined the term GOESWITH. Meaning, night goes with day, back goes with front, male goes with female, and prickly goes with goo. He claimed that we wouldn’t know what one was without the other. In fact, one side supports the other. Your difference validates my position.

So how does this help?

To me, if I’m able to see the big picture and not cling to one way I believe life ought to be (read “the right way”), it frees me up to see all the ways it can be. Meaning, I don’t have to indulge a voice that makes a case for how – if I’m not happy right now it’s a problem.

Sure, I understand the attraction to feeling good, positive, and, to use the latest buzz word floating around in the personal development/spiritual world, “high vibe.” But I’ve seen some serious self-hate and miserableness arise for people who can’t be witty, charming, and “on” all the time. I learned that a member of a group with this phrase “high vibe” had committed suicide the day before I had been invited to join. I suspect it’s because of the enormous pressure the voices put on “high vibers” to be “high vibe” and perfect 24/7. And the voices don’t stop with your outside world. They will even evaluate how you feel. If you don’t feel good, there’s a problem, and somehow there’s someone to blame – either it’s them, or it’s you.

When I was training at the Zen monastery, one of the most impactful insights I had (with the help of my teacher) was seeing that I was dissatisfied with being dissatisfied. Meaning, I wasn’t happy, and that was bad. So picture this: I was working very hard to be happy. But I wasn’t. So the voices beat me up: “Look at you! You’re a Zen monk, and you’re miserable. Hours of practice and you’re still not happy. When will you ever learn? You must not be trying hard enough! You’re sincere in your practice. There must be something wrong with you. You should just quit. Loser!”

What I didn’t see was the opportunity I had to be satisfied with being dissatisfied.

What?!

That’s what I said!

My teacher and I were in a guidance appointment, and she said, “You know, when you’re feeling low, you could always say, ‘I’m a miserable wretch. I don’t see any purpose in being happy. Happiness is incredibly overrated! Why should I be happy? I don’t get what I want. I do all of this work for nothing and no one ever says anything kind to me. Why should I be happy?’”

When I heard her say this, a smile crept over my face and I laughed out loud.

In that instant, I got it.

My attachment to happiness kept it from me and made everything else I was experiencing wrong. The more the voices got involved, the worse I felt, because I was trapped in a downward spiral that could never be resolved. I should be a certain way, but I’m not. But I should be, but I’m not. But I should be, but I’m not…

When it was all okay, that’s when the whole structure fell apart.

There was room for compassion to embrace all of me.