“Even a dead fish can go with the flow.“
—Jim Hightower

verywhere you go, you hear that you should just choose what feels right. Go with the flow. When all else fails, accept. Live your authentic self. Do what you love. Your gut will tell you what’s right.

Okay. The trouble we run into with this is – how do we know if what feels right is actually best? What if the flow is just a habitual knee-jerk reaction? Is “acceptance” really an excuse to be passive and do nothing? What is my authentic self and how do I know it’s actually THE authentic self? What if doing what I love doesn’t make any sense given the circumstances? What if my gut is petrified by the thought of change and nothing feels right?

The thing that becomes apparent to me is the assumption that there’s some definite “you” in all of this. Some “big, real YOU” calling the shots.

But what “you” are we talking about?

Have you ever made a decision and regretted it? Or maybe regretted it one day and become thrilled with it the next? Then enthusiasm fizzles out and it’s just okay again? Perhaps all within the span of a few days (hours)?

“This relationship is awesome! This relationship is ‘meh.’ I need to get out of this relationship!”

To the part of me who desires a partner to fulfill me, a relationship is a good thing.

To the part of me who wants to do whatever he wants, a relationship is limiting and a burden.

Until we know who’s who inside of us, we’re at the whim of the voices or dominant parts of ourselves calling the shots.

Depending upon who’s in charge, my life can look like a pattern of repeated loops and cycles of “been there/done that.” If you look honestly, you’ll start to realize that the “you”s who have been in control tend to make very familiar choices. Over-and-over. You can catch it in the self-talk:

“Don’t develop a friendship with that person (because what’s the point?)”
“Play a supporting role to the leader instead of being out in the limelight yourself.”
“If you can get away with it and it doesn’t hurt anyone, then be dishonest.”

It takes practice to see who is in the driver’s seat of our lives. It takes willingness to scrutinize the moment and determine if it’s an appropriate part to be driving. And it takes a tremendous amount of courage to choose another driver – especially if it’s different than the one who’s typically driving.