“Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.”
—Lululemon
 

n the world of conditioned mind, up is down and black is white. What the voices in our heads talk us into doing is typically counter to what would be in our best interest. That’s why learning to discern the voices from the “still small voice” of intuition is so important.

This understanding also applies in circumstances outside of ourselves—in relationship with others.

I was once coaching a client who relayed the following story. She told me about her husband and how he had become completely withdrawn and uninterested in her. After a series of questions, what surfaced was she had resorted to confrontation to get the love she wanted from him. This included accusing, nagging, blaming, shaming, and even threatening him. In the coaching, I gently revealed why this approach would never help her get the love she was looking for from him. I drew out my “cat analogy” to illustrate this point.

I asked her to imagine a cat hiding under a chair. “Now,” I said to her, “imagine that you’re yelling at the cat. You’re hoping that this will encourage it to come out from under the chair and cuddle with you. All your anger isn’t working so you get louder. Now the cat is even more resistant to coming out. So you throw something at the chair. Bam! Sure the cat may come out now, but it will not be in a cuddling mood!”

She laughed and understood: Nobody warms up to a crazy person. In fact, this tactic provokes from him more of the same behavior that originally upset her. Her husband became more withdrawn and less interested in being with her the more she fought. To help her stay conscious to this process, she eventually called it “porcupining.” She added “not to porcupine her husband” to her agenda, because really, who wants to cuddle with a porcupine? She got it.

So what to do instead? In my experience, cats (and partners) enjoy a loving, welcoming, hospitable, and cuddle-able environment. If you create this space, they’ll suddenly feel safe. Because there’s nothing more inviting than someone at ease with themselves and not desperately trying to get something from you. It’s when you practice love, generosity, kindness, self-fulfillment, confidence, and completeness that others become attracted to you. They crawl out from under their chair and curl up into your lap.

Now there’s no guarantee that this approach will produce the results you’re looking for. Those are merely by-products of how you are being.

Often, clients will discover that not needing love to come from the outside will become fulfillment enough. They’ll focus instead on their projects, goals, and dreams. They’ll focus on their friends, children, and communities. It’s too distracting to bother dragging someone else along for the ride. And do you know what? At that point, it really doesn’t matter. Their partners will either join in with their energy because that’s where the party is happening or they’ll find their own way. Either is fine.